


the cautionary tales of youth, hormones, magic, and everything in-between

by dmasiv, firststar46



Category: Hinatazaka46 (Band), Keyakizaka46 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23073724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dmasiv/pseuds/dmasiv, https://archiveofourown.org/users/firststar46/pseuds/firststar46
Summary: one-shot collection of keyaki & hinata in the setting of Hogwarts, each chapter focusing on someone and something different.02: The campus' running papers, Weekly Bunshun, has an editorial team of four misfits. Or: another day of Manaka and Kyoko badmouthing every witch and wizard they can lay their grabby hands on.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	1. the futile courtship of tamura hono

**Author's Note:**

> ah yes an outlet to dump all these HP AUs
> 
> odayaka here, i wrote this one and most probably all of the hinata-centric ones but ill also be writing some keyaki ones (such as this shot) while firststar46 will be writing the more keyaki-centric ones 
> 
> as a note, me (odayaka) and firststar46 sorted the girls according to their personalities and whatnots as follow:
> 
> Keyaki 1st gen:  
> Gryffindor: Hirate, Akane, Zuumin, Yuipon, Risa, Nijika (6)  
> Hufflepuff: Ozeki, Fuuchan, Oda, Suzumoto, Habu, Pe (6)  
> Ravenclaw: Yuuka, Aoi, Koike, Yone, Uemura, Shiichan (6)  
> Slytherin: Manaka, Neru, Naako (3)
> 
> Keyaki 2nd gen:  
> Gryffindor: Hikaru, Matsuri, Ten (3)  
> Hufflepuff: Hono, Takeyui (3)  
> Ravenclaw: Inoue, Seki (2)  
> Slytherin: Karin, Riko (2)
> 
> Hinata 1st-2nd-3rd:  
> Gryffindor: Kumi, Kyoko, Miho, Nibu, Mei, Mao (6)  
> Hufflepuff: Katoshi, Nao, Sarina, Ayaka, Hina (5)  
> Ravenclaw: Kageyama, Konoka, Manamo, Hinano, Memi (5)  
> Slytherin: Mirei, Miku, Hiyotan, Suzuka, Manafi (6)

To the mindful and mentally sound, the premise seems ridiculous, but lately, Inoue Rina is in a bout of massive brain freeze moments and her mental state isn't the most sound. She buys the premise, however ridiculous it is, like it’s on a half-price bargain. 

It’s also twenty minutes away from 10 PM, so the deserted Ravenclaw common room is helping her carry out the madness she’s in the middle of doing with little to no present, watchful (and sane) eyes to judge her action.

Not Seki Yumiko, though. She stares at Inoue like she’s got a magpie atop her head.

Still, Rina pushed her neatly-folded, four times folded paper into the small post box glued (or welded?) on the notice board. And she heaved a sigh of relief.

And she tries to ignore the catch of Yumiko shaking her head in disappointment from the corner of her peripheral vision.

Rina gives the post box with the ominous writing of “Love Advice for 15 Sickles - from the _critically-acclaimed_ ‘The GGDs’”. The cursive writing only makes it even more dubious somehow.

Maybe Yumiko made a point.

“Regretting it? Maybe _I_ made a point.” Yumiko calls out from the large round table she’s hogging to herself.

“Okay. _Okay_. But you know, there’s no turning back!” Rina has her back turned to the post box, believing that the less she sees of it, the less it’ll bite onto her reckless conviction.

“You fucking idiot. That’s a scam.”

“Sasaki Kotoko managed to snag a date for the ball. I think it was some Hufflepuff, but the point is, it was _Sasaki Kotoko_. It took her a total of 30 Sickles.” Rina finds the volume of her voice louder by a hitch, as if trying to convince herself. “Took her two consultations!”

“Oh my god.”

“That’s the empiric evidence you need!”

Yumiko closes her book in a huffed _plop_ . “I get that you’re desperate with the ball happening in less than a month and that Tamura Hono girl being the oblivious, kind-to-all-living-beings doofus she is, but you have _me_. I’d ask for 0 Sickle.”

Rina eyes the literature Yumiko’s been reading for the past hour, a picture book, motionless “literature” from the muggle world printed only in black ink. “Definitely not you…”

“Whatever, enjoy getting scammed.”

“Thank you.” Rina forces herself to look at the box. “Argh!” Rina un-forces herself to look at the box. “Crap.” Rina announces to the entire lounge. “None of you saw anything! Nothing ever happened.”

Yumiko groans as she packs her belongings into her messenger bag.

But it’s not Yumiko’s answer that she expects.

Third year Kamimura Hinano makes the absolute surest nods, thrice. “I didn’t see you falling into the love guru scam and I didn’t hear a single word of the conversation that took place after.”

“Thank you.” And that settles things. Rina’s contemplation of charming her junior with a forgetfulness spell dissipates along with her sigh of relief.

-

She’s owled what she paid for exactly two days later, smack in the middle of a Transfigurations class. 

Yumiko’s firm shooing of the owl reeks of annoyance, but Rina concerns herself with the neatly tied scroll more.

She reads everything in less than a minute.

“How’s it?”

Rina returns Yumiko’s look of concern with the face of The Enlightened. “Sickles well spent, actually.”

Yumiko shakes her head and transforms the bronze grail on her desk back into a heap of needles, audibly fancying the fantasy of giving Rina’s brains a much-needed acupuncture. Rina rolls her eyes at her.

-

The complicating element in the courtship of Tamura Hono is getting past the ‘friend’ stage, as Tamura Hono is incredibly friendly and _so_ genuinely nice that to her, everyone is a friend in some way or another. Still, she got to _engage_ with the Hufflepuff today after offering to tutor her Arithmancy and the low-ceilinged, homey feel of the Hufflepuff common room defined it into a quality time.

Tonight, Rina slips another letter into the post box, this time without the judgy eyes of Yumiko as she has gone back to bed after pulling all-nighters for their History of Ancient Runes quiz. 

“You didn’t see anything,” Rina tells her sole witness.

Kamimura Hinano nods, a tiny bit slow and dragged and slightly unsure. 

-

The reply comes in exactly two days, the owl of a different kind but the styling of the scroll exactly the same. Rina receives it during a Defense Against Dark Arts class and the pay-off is the poking stare from Professor Hashimoto Nanami.

Yumiko looks anywhere but at her, but her hushed voice is _very_ much directed towards her. “Will you be spending your third 15 Sickles?”

Rina takes the time to read it first, this time the reading takes five minutes. She receives a rather lengthy reply fitting for her the troubled tune of her second letter that added into the mix the presence of a “potential rival” in the form of Morita Hikaru from Gryffindor. So there’s an actual urgency this time as Morita Hikaru is quite charismatic even with her non-threatening height of 30 centimeters _and_ Yumiko can’t chew her out for feeling _threatened_.

She finally finds the answer to Yumiko’s question. “Yep. You know what? I’m dead sure these ‘love gurus’ are legit. Like, _legit._ Experts in human relationships, romance aficionados.”

-

In a harmless conversation she has with Hono during another one of their Arithmancy studying session, Hono says, as the warm yellow of the Hufflepuff common room’s ambience softly cloaks the outlines of her presence and the pull of her dimples, “I’m on my toes for the ball, actually. I’m a terrible dancer, but _Hii-chan_ ’s been a fine leader, even though I’m much taller than her in height. She knows the ways.”

It empties Rina’s head like an unprompted usage of Occlumency for the rest of the evening. The only numerology that works its way in her head is the count of Sickles she’s lost.

-

To Seki Yumiko’s absolute delight, Slytherin’s prefects managed to track down the brains behind the “love gurus” scam and exposed them for everyone to see. The running, in-Hogwarts Sunday papers of _Weekly Bunshun_ makes it their headline and exposes the three “experts in human relationships, romance aficionados love gurus” as they’re brought into detention at the hands of Professor Shiraishi Mai, Head of the Slytherin House:

Watanabe Miho, fifth year, Gryffindor Quidditch Team’s killer Chaser known to break hearts in the most asshole way possible, a whole _jock_.

Matsuda Konoka, fifth year, the crafty and ambitious Ravenclaw known for tricks up her sleeve that could easily land her a dorm room in Slytherin, a whole _snake_.

And last and _certainly_ the least; Tomita Suzuka, fifth year, the class clown known for getting a ‘Troll’ grade for Potions and her terrible track record in dueling despite being a Slytherin, a whole _loser_.

“And that’s your love gurus.” Yumiko says, triumphant as they have their breakfast.

“And that’s _my_ love gurus…” Rina says, losing face and contemplating dropping out entirely from Hogwarts.

Yumiko’s litany of jeering is stopped the moment Hono pops from behind Rina, asking if she could join the table. Rina scrambles into straightening herself up.

The conversation then takes the worst turn as Hono spots Yumiko’s copy of _Weekly Bunshun_ on the table. 

“It’s shocking to know that there are people who would capitalize on the desperate,” Hono makes her statement, voice dripping in worries.

“Certainly. Won’t you agree, Inori-chan?”

“Yes. _Yes_ . These losers had it coming for… for using very _dubious_ services. Such as this paywalled love advice mails.”

But Hono has an entirely different idea as she turns to her soup. “No, I mean it in a way that I feel sorry for the desperate, but I also think it’s really telling of how serious they are with their feelings, for them to go that far.”

“Oh… oh I see. I - you have a point.”

“Oh! The ball’s coming up, right?” Twinkles appear in the Hufflepuff’s eyes (as Rina sees it). “Have you found your partners?”

Yumiko has a Ravenclaw date, a guy from their Herbology class, and somehow Hono knows him (are all Hufflepuffs wired to be so sociable?).

Rina sighs as she forms her answer. “Unlike you two, I don’t have a date.”

“Oh? Me neither!”

“Huh?”

“Huh?” Hono’s slight tilt of her head suggests that she’s just as confused. “I know Hii-chan has been giving me dance practices, but the past few weeks I - forgive me, I don’t mean to brag - have only been turning down offers.”

Rina and Yumiko both share a look quick enough it flies past Hono’s radar.

Hono goes on, her eyes on Rina’s frisbee-sized eyes, “As we both don’t have a date, how about we go together?”

Rina's frisbee-sized eyes go up in size, if that is even possible.


	2. and shida manaka said, there’s no god but the gossiping network

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The campus' running papers, Weekly Bunshun, has an editorial team of four misfits. Or: another day of Manaka and Kyoko badmouthing every witch and wizard they can lay their grabby hands on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> odayaka here, a light-hearted set-up one shot
> 
> i really like the idea of manaka and kyoko making remarks on literally everybody ever and tbh they probably do that a lot irl too

“And I said, there’s no god, but the gossiping network.”

Manaka has the look of an accomplished poet, her lop-sided smile-smirk highlighted by the depressingly dim lighting of Classroom 4J (long-abandoned by the faculty, generously donated to the hands of _Weekly Bunshun_ ’s editorial team consisting of four whole misfits). 

“Feed them the gossips we shall - and Knuts shall we get. Shida Manaka, 2020.”

Kyoko chooses to abuse her rights to ignore her as she wordlessly turns back to the typewriter.

There’s the sound of a slight scratching of wood against the floor as Manaka makes a slow-rise from her seat. “Stop. Whatever you’re writing right now, it’s not going to be front page worthy.”

“ _Fuck_ _you_!” The last thread of Kyoko’s patience snaps after enduring its last stretch. “Literally _nothing_ happened this week!”

“Make _something_ up.” Manaka twirls around to face their dirt-collecting board with chalky scrawls of Fuyuka’s grocery list from two weeks ago. “Speaking of Fuu-chan, I’m peeking into her notes for some ‘ol fresh inspirations.”

“Whatever happened to your ‘Head Girl Predictions’ write-up?”

Manaka finds Fuyuka’s notes on top of a desk and flips through knowing Fuyuka will be in the Hospital Wing for the rest of the afternoon, playing the bedside companion to the Nijika girl from Gryffindor who by accident ingested some Mooncalf dung during a Herbology class. “Oh, I haven’t given up on that. I’m kind of halfway done.”

“Well, finish it.”

“It’s lacking the _oomph_ . And I’m finding that _oomph_ in here.” Manaka skips to a bookmarked section. The pages are thin and weary. Fuyuka sure has jotted a lot of things onto her notes, from universally known facts and happenings to trivias to groundless rumors that she seemed to deem interesting enough to record. 

One thing about Fuyuka’s spent-looking, thick journal is that it’s a compendium of deets on virtually _everyone_ (or at least, students interesting enough to land themselves a page on Fuyuka’s notes). “ _Sugai Yuuka. Ravenclaw prefect. Beloved daughter to the Minister for Magic, has the future of House Sugai perched on her shoulders_. Ah-ha, heavy is the crown.”

Kyoko reclines onto her seat and looks up to the ceiling, granting her eyes some rest. “There she is, the next Head Girl.”

“I guess, but I don’t know. She’s _way_ too straight.” Manaka walks up to a sturdier looking desk and makes it her makeshift chair. “ _Extraordinarily good at dealing with magical creatures, notably thestrals, beings known not to buckle…_ does Fuu-chan only know how to write others’ merits? We want the _good stuff_.”

“Fuyuka isn’t us. She’ll never…”

Wrinkles form on Manaka’s forehead as she spots something interesting written. “ _Rumored to be in an on-and-off relationship with Gryffindor’s beater, Moriya Akane, a fellow prefect._ What the fuck? _Akane_ ? What’s with good girls romancing the douchebags? _Rumors of the entire faculty favoring her over many due to the influence of her family_. Shit. Shit! This is it!”

“What?” Kyoko imagines the famed clan of Sugai. They made a royal visit to Hogwarts a year back as one of the guests to an important banquet. Her father was… an imposing figure. “Sounds like a good one-way ticket out of the school.”

“That’s what makes the whole ‘who’s the next Head Girl?’ narrative interesting to begin with. On one hand you have the Ravenclaw straight-A, Sugai Yuuka.” Manaka opens another spread and flips it for Kyoko to see. “Then you have the other candidate, Sasaki Kumi.”

Kyoko squints her eyes to read the page dedicated to Sasaki Kumi. An infamous Gryffindor, Kumi’s page was full of both sung praises _and_ notorious deeds. 

“ _Duelled three Slytherin 7th year bullies in her 4th year, came out the victor (was put in a week-long Astronomy Tower cleaning duty detention for it)_. Kyoko, this _bad bitch_ has to win. I don’t wanna live through another straight-A as a Head Girl!” Manaka sounds almost desperate.

“ _Almost expelled from school due to an incident within the periphery of the Forbidden Forest_ .” Kyoko reads out loud for the Slytherin girl. “No one’s going to appoint a criminal. Sasaki is a household name but they don’t stand a chance against _the_ Sugai family. Also, she’s a control freak and she’s annoying as hell. I know this because she’s the only Gryffindor I talk to besides Mao and Zumiko.”

Manaka flips the book back as she reads further. “Guess even Fuyuka had no clue what happened. _Kobayashi Yui. Exemplary student in Defense Against Dark Arts contrary to her quiet wallflower disposition_ . Oda keeps on writing about this girl for our “ _girl of the week_ ” corner. What a simp. I _respect_ her hustle, but Koba only has her eyes on her bestfriend-slash-rival Imaizumi Yui. Speaking of Zumiko…”

“She could’ve been the brightest student of Hogwarts.” Kyoko picks up on where Manaka’s left off, firmly. The bitter after-taste is something she intends to wash down with some water as she abandons her seat for her bag.

“Had she not been born in the same generation as Hirate Yurina. I’m checking her entry out, actually.” Manaka laughs, Kyoko guesses that she finds something interesting. “ _Youngest Seeker in Gryffindor’s history, catching the snitch right smack in her first year, her second match ever._ Scary. _The sorting hat almost announced her a Slytherin, but she argued against it._ You can ARGUE with the hat?!”

Kyoko goes back to her seat, particularly disinterested. “I tried to tell him that I won’t do well in Gryffindor. I guess he only listens to a select few.”

“ _Rumor has it that she once won against Defense against the Dark Arts Professor Takahiro in a friendly match. She never confirmed it, but she never denied it either._ A dangerous fellow. I like her, though. We have lunch down the Diagon Alley every now and then.” Manaka’s smirk is directed to her own self. “She calls me _Pippi_.”

Kyoko, in return, looks at Manaka like she’s gone insane. “Next.”

“Here’s another promising Gryffindor: _Watanabe Risa._ _Gryffindor’s_ ‘hot stuff’. _She once polyjuiced herself into Ravenclaw Harada Aoi’s appearance and parades around the school in a jester outfit_.” Manaka laughs out loud, recalling the memory last year. “Classic Ricchan. She’s off-limits though, the privilege of being my _best_ friend is that you’ll never land yourself on the papers.”

“Riiiiight. Next.”

“ _Nagasawa Nanako, Slytherin. Has spent more time in the kitchen than the class. Potions prodigy, brews questionable shit at times. Someone once swapped her cauldron with Nanako’s by accident and ended up poisoning at least ten people._ ”

“Another dangerous fellow. Pass.”

“ _Gryffindor’s scariest Beater, Moriya Akane. Also a prefect. Transfigured a Gryffindor 7th year guy’s dick into a pocket watch after she caught him cheating on her with Hufflepuff’s star Quidditch player, Kato Shiho. They’ve been friends ever since_ . Well that took a fairly _feminist_ turn. If we write about her, she’d wring the life out of our necks. Moving on... Kato is a thot - ”

She hurls an emptied flask of water towards Manaka, who easily ducks away. “No! Don’t come after the few people I actually talk to!”

“ _Kato Shiho. Hufflepuff’s Seeker, her steep rise in Quidditch career propelled Hufflepuff’s Quidditch Team from its ruins to the top of the classment._ Whoa, her records of past relationships is amazing. She’s pretty much a pump-and-dump.”

Kyoko isn’t even sure if the one she’s currently in a “passionate” romance involvement with is the Ravenclaw guy or even their Muggle Studies Professor Wakabayashi. “Find the entry for Watanabe Miho instead. She’s Katoshi’s friend, but she isn’t in my ‘off-limits’ list.”

“Huh? _Watanabe Miho. Reliable Chaser and captain to Gryffindor’s Quidditch Team. Years ago she spread lies that Slytherin Tomita Suzuka is actually a squib who bribed her way into Hogwarts. Half the school believed her._ ” Manaka cracks into a huge laughter. “This one’s funny! That Tomita girl does have the face that you just want to bully. _She’s friends with Tomita Suzuka now. They make a wonderful trio with Ravenclaw’s Matsuda Konoka._ ”

“We just wrote for the expose of their love guru scam. Let them enjoy their detention in peace.”

“True that. How about this… _Kosaka Nao, Hufflepuff, a half-blood. Quiet, meek, but possesses striking facial features that’s very popular among men._ ” Manaka’s eyes squint, trying to zoom into the more detailed writing. “ _Watched her parents dying by the hands of a Death Eater in her childhood, survived the Crucio spell -_ oh my god, depressing shit.”

“Y, yeah. Next.”

“Right… Iguchi Mao -”

“Told you not to come after my friends!” 

Manaka resumes her reading of Fuyuka’s notes anyway, ignoring her pleas. “ _Iguchi Mao_ . _Actually ‘Okada Mao’, she was forced to take on her Muggle mother’s last name so as to not bring shame to her family._ What the _fuck_ ? _From the family famous for producing a lot of highly-competent aurors - she’s the daughter of Chief Auror Okada_ …” 

Kyoko watches as Manaka’s slackening jaw falls further by each scrawled note.

“Whew. A, anyway.” Manaka tornadoes past a couple of pages until something catches her attention. “ _Hufflepuff 5th year Takamoto Ayaka_.”

“No!”

“Psh, she is _not_ your friend. You wish.” 

“She isn’t, but she’s _off-limits_.”

“What, you _like_ her?”

“No. I’ll tell you about it later but more importantly - ”

Manaka looks at her accusingly, then her eyes flit back onto the notes. “ _Sweet and takes care of others well. Cute, boys like her._ Boring stuff.”

“Truth. BUT I said we’re not doing her - ”

“Uh, hold on.” There’s a hint of urgency as Manaka jumps off the desk and hurries to Kyoko’s side. The journal’s then slapped onto the table, spread in its weariness. “ _Seems to be Kyoko’s kinda-friend? Heard a group of Hufflepuff girls gossiping. Has been the center of gossip and bad-mouthing after a messy break up with the Hufflepuff Head Boy. They’ve been calling her names, of devilish and impish motifs._ Look, they think she’s taking advantage of you. People are pitying you _for once_!”

She doesn’t join in on Manaka’s laughter. Rather, her mind is elsewhere. The way she’s framed as the victim doesn’t feel reassuring in the slightest.

Something boils inside her. It gradually catches onto her heart and leaves trails of heartburn all over.

Kyoko clicks her tongue and turns to the typewriter.

“Kyoko, did something stick?”

“Yes. We’ve got our front page.”

“Cool.”

She types, twice faster. Maybe it’s the _rage_.

-

On Sunday morning, the post owls take off from Classroom 4J on time. No delayed delivery as Fuyuka fears it. Kyoko rests her head just beside one of their typewriters, Manaka brews herself a coffee, Fuyuka lies motionless on the floor, and Oda squints her barely-working eyes on a copy of _Weekly Bunshun_. 

“ _In the wake of a messy break-up, restless Takamoto from Year 5 finds herself blackmailed into doing take-home Herbology researches for a certain cunning, slimy no-Gryffindor of the Saito family name_ ,” Oda reads aloud, “did you _really_?"

“Of course I did.”

And Kyoko closes her eyes - and all she sees is yellow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedbacks are greatly appreciated!


End file.
